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For me as a woman in my late thirties, I’ve long felt that good manners is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a fulfilling life, I’ve battled very poor self-esteem. This mix of wanting to respect others and doubting myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Frequently, it happens so quickly that I’m not even aware of it. It stems from anxiety and has affected both my private and work life. It annoys my loved ones and co-workers, and then I get upset when they bring it up—which only increases my anxiety.

Presenting and Questioning

This over-apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to speaking to others or making inquiries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay on track and avoid anxious tangents, but even that fails most of the time. As an junior researcher in government studies, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through exposure therapy, such as leading sessions and forcing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing embarrassments from senior male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I fall back to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t believe I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still enjoy life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to curb the constant apologizing. I’ve learned that professional help might support me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Understanding the Roots

A therapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it self-inspired or inherited from someone close to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once benefited us become harmful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-sabotage. You know it annoys those around you, yet you persist it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than doing. Much of good therapy is about self-awareness, not just fixing issues. A skilled therapist will kindly probe you, offering a safe space to consider and embrace who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a connection-based method with a person-centered counselor might be more beneficial. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you treat, dismiss, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your confidence can grow from there.

Practical Steps

Changing long-standing behaviors is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid shame or being seen, by admitting perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a cycle of frustration and worry.

Even processing later can be useful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel understood without you taking responsibility.

This approach will take time, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a important first step toward change.